Mental Illness Friendships and how i destroy them.

[Mira]

Its a no win Situation. I am being pulled in all sorts of directions. I crave friendship. But I close myself off. I have only a few people left. One irl and most online. But I even ruin those.

It is always the same things that end up breaking it all apart. I have stopped playing online games as I have fallen inlove in my 3 favorite games. And falling in love is a real intense thing for me.

And if is male friends I idolise them. I had a friend in south Africa and I am afraid of talking to him eventhough I know He missed me.

Even here if someone does not reply on a thread I blame myself. I need to stop Posting such heavy stuff. Like this I know. Last time I am sorry.

People say I am not my disorders. But they do ruin my life. Soon I will be almost alone. And normaly I am the social friendly guy. But also the basket case that hates himself so much that he will end alone and hurting himself.

Sorry for the complaining. No need to reply Just wanted to shout it somewhere.

 

[zoldos]

I'm sorry man....

 

[gibby]

say what ever you want Mira no one here is going to judge you

 

[PGen98]

Agreed, let it all out! It's a healthy thing to vent every now and then.

Remember, though, you're stuck with me as a friend

 

[Mira]

I don't even know who I am anymore. On discord in games I was the funny relaxed guy that wanted everyone to laugh. But on a forum I am the whingy feeling sorry for him self idiot. And in real life I avoid it all.

I don't know how long I can take it. Had therapy at the same place for 2 years now they say I need to change therapy. Will be the third in four years.

It is hard to see how to hold on.

 

[gibby]

I just know you as Mira and like who you are .

hope the new therapy helps you got this!

 

[PGen98]

I don't even know who I am anymore. On discord in games I was the funny relaxed guy that wanted everyone to laugh. But on a forum I am the whingy feeling sorry for him self idiot. And in real life I avoid it all.

I don't know how long I can take it. Had therapy at the same place for 2 years now they say I need to change therapy. Will be the third in four years.

It is hard to see how to hold on.

I hear you, I've been there a fair few times, myself. A different persona for every scenario, and every different group knowing you in a completely different light. It's hard to find that balance at times because you don't want to let everyone in all the time, let them see the vulnerabilities. I know that very well! I'm only "me" here on these forums and maybe one or two others, the rest I'm almost a caricature of myself. Having that outlet where you can just be you is important!

I think the change in therapy could be a good thing, a new direction, a chance to get a new perspective on things.

Just remember you have us, we're not going anywhere and even though you might want to take a break every now and then, which is understandable, we're still here and always happy to see you! That's a reason to keep going right there, good friends

 

[Mira]

I think a lot of people have different versions of them selfs. But losing connection between them sucks. I am losing myself and I feel the need to protect everyone from the evil that is me.

 

[PGen98]

I should stop complaining.

Not at all, venting is a healthy way to express frustrations, angers, sadness, and more. It helps to get those feelings out there, find ways to solve them, and it shows others when you're struggling and just need a little boost. Never feel bad for needing to let loose!

 

[Mira]

It is all so hard at times. I can not shake this eary feeling that I am messing up everything. There are so many things I would like to say to people but that would push them away for sure

I don't know anything right now!

 

[Mira]

I am so scared. I wish i did not have to be alone. My thoughts are so terrifying and destructive.

 

[Foxy]

No matter what, I still care about you and want you to get the help you need.

 

[PGen98]

You know you can write those thoughts out to me, I will keep them private as I keep everything we talk about private, but maybe having the chance to write them out will help? Then we're both sharing in your thoughts and you don't have to feel alone!

 

[gibby]

I agree with PGen , it's more destructive to keep those thoughts in , regarding telling people how you feel you know i am one for saying tell them ! , that is usually my advice

 

[Mira]

I agree with PGen , it's more destructive to keep those thoughts in , regarding telling people how you feel you know i am one for saying tell them ! , that is usually my advice

Would you also do that if you know it would push people away? Because I am almost certain that if I tell it to those people they will be gone.

 

[Mira]

You know you can write those thoughts out to me, I will keep them private as I keep everything we talk about private, but maybe having the chance to write them out will help? Then we're both sharing in your thoughts and you don't have to feel alone!

Thanks, I want to do that but I have had such dark thoughts yesterday and today thay I am scared of it.

 

[gibby]

Would you also do that if you know it would push people away? Because I am almost certain that if I tell it to those people they will be gone.

I guess it depends what it is , why do you think it will push them away just telling them how you feel about them?

 

[Mira]

I guess it depends what it is , why do you think it will push them away just telling them how you feel about them?

They dont feel the same and then it will make things akward. I have had that happen many times before.

 

[gibby]

They dont feel the same and then it will make things akward. I have had that happen many times before.

do you mean you already know they dont feel the same or you think they wont feel the same?

 

[Mira]

Well I dont know for certain. But I am pretty sure. That always makes me want to run away. I hate rejection in any way.