Mental Illness Trying to Find Ways To Open Up Without Hurting People

Hello all,

So it seems as though every time I open up I find away to hurt someone. Either they see something in my own admissions that opens wounds for them, or something gets said in trying to help me that triggers someone else and sparks problems. The last thing I ever want is to start problems for other people, and so my mind has made itself up not to share anymore about me. To close back off, to not let me open even when I truly want to. The most I've been able to get out is that I'm struggling, or that things with my mother aren't going well because she's having a bad day. The real issues, the crux of when and why I spiral, that all stays inside. So I need to find an outlet, a way of getting everything out, still, but not burdening others, not getting others to feel pain. I cannot stand the thought of people I care about suffering because of something I said or did. I made the mistake of speaking my mind on something that wasn't about me, but something that could've impacted a lot of people on a separate forum, and all I got was disagreement and a private dress down from someone higher up in the rankings than myself, and fair enough, it's a concern I should have lodged privately, but it was accompanied by so much unnecessary vitriol that I took a very large step back from that place. If that is considered an appropriate way to talk to someone, no matter their position, on a forum dedicated to mental health discussion, then it was clear I could have no part in it. To use baseless accusations and name calling to drive home a point is not something I felt equipped to deal with in that particular place or in that particular context, so I stepped away. I started shutting down, until I made one more effort to open up here in our forum about subjects that might be a bit awkward to discuss. And indeed, that particular topic became very awkward to discuss, leading to a disagreement between people, and that hurt me, because that's the last thing I wanted to happen in there.

So it seemed whenever I started talking about me, about situations concerning me, I was just causing others' harm, causing others to lash out. That's not what I want, not in the least. I love our openness, the fact that we can talk to people about anything, but I don't want to start problems between anyone, so it's become abundantly clear to me that I can't discuss my own issues in the open. If I do, I'm going to hurt people, or be the root cause of someone hurting. I don't want that. I've never wanted that, so I'm not going to trouble anyone here or anywhere else with my own mental state. What I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing with regards to myself and my problems, I'll keep that away from everyone so it's not going to cause issues. I'll still post the odd update about my mother, I'm sure, but if all I can do is hurt, then the me part of things is going away. I'll contribute still, chat with others about their issues and try to be a support structure for people, as I was before, so that part is not changing. I like being supportive, and I like to help if I can.

What needs to change is me and my outlets for opening up. I know I need to, I've known that for years. This group of people, albeit in a different location, was the first chance I really had to open up and let people in a bit. I never felt comfortable doing that anywhere before, and it was a nice feeling. So I know I need that in my life, somehow, I just need to find an appropriate outlet for that. I can't stand opening up to doctors or therapists. I don't trust them enough to know about me, the person, rather than me, the sheet of paper in front of them on the chart. That's the hurdle I'm going to have to get over next, as I clearly need to find someone to talk to, and the most logical solution is a therapist. So it seems my next adventure is to find the ability I found to open up to everyone here, just...directed at someone I don't trust, in the hopes that they can guide me to some ways of dealing with all of this, of not necessarily "curing" my issues, but coping with them and living with them. Overcoming my feelings about...well...having feelings for someone. My issues with hopelessness, despair, depression, anxiety and so on. I need to open up to someone whom I view as being unable to understand what these issues feel like properly, but who also triggers them in me by virtue of simply being themselves. It's a hard barrier to overcome, I don't know where to even begin, but it's one I intend to find a way over.

So here's a nice, rambly, wordsy blog about how I need to find better ways of being wordsy, rambly and pointlessly talkative at someone I know I don't trust. This should be a fun adventure!

Thanks for reading this totally worthless blog entry.

Chris

 

[Foxy]

I think bottling up your thoughts and feelings @PGen98 is antithetical to the whole purpose of a forum like this. To have such a board with a sharing, caring community willing to listen, commiserate, empathize and oftentimes offer helpful advice is not easy to find these days. All members may not always like or agree with everything others share because we're all different. Our own personal experiences and mental health conditions skewer how we perceive things, that's just the way it is in any forum community.

We are all here by choice. If someone doesn't want to be triggered by a topic, they don't have to participate in the conversation. When we choose to participate in a designated adult chat thread we should be able to agree to disagree politely in an exchange of ideas keeping in mind the purpose of our contributions to the thread is to give aide and comfort to the person who reached out to the community for help in the first place.

I would hate to see anyone losing the golden opportunity to unburden themselves in a forum dedicated to mental health issues like this. For some, this is a safe space, an oasis where they can open up anonymously about things they are uncomfortable sharing face to face with family, friends and sometimes even therapists. If they can't share here, then where? Like I said, we're adults here and we participate in these topics by choice.

The rule should be if you disagree with another, show courtesy, don't hijack the thread by making it all about yourself or winning an argument with another poster. Politely agree to disagree. We're all struggling in our own way and life is harder for some than others so a little compassion goes a long way. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

(((HUGS))) to the community.

 

[PGen98]

...I'm doing that other thing I do, where I make it seem like I just can't fix things, aren't I? Tell you what, disregard my spoilered out response. I'm going to work on me, try and find a better way to open up without it going down the road of potentially hurting someone. I don't want this community to fall apart because of my stupidity, so that's something I'll try to work on.

Spoiler

I think bottling up your thoughts and feelings @PGen98 is antithetical to the whole purpose of a forum like this. To have such a board with a sharing, caring community willing to listen, commiserate, empathize and oftentimes offer helpful advice is not easy to find these days. All members may not always like or agree with everything others share because we're all different. Our own personal experiences and mental health conditions skewer how we perceive things, that's just the way it is in any forum community.

I don't disagree, but seeing people hurting or getting offended in a topic I started to open up a bit, it hurts me. I don't want to cause people harm, and I don't want to start problems between others because of something I've posted. I like civil discourse, but the objective of civil discourse is to keep it, well, civil. Since it seems any time I open up about things it causes issues, it seems best to just not open up. I actually started drafting a letter to a potential future therapist outlining everything about me, my issues and everything else that I would want to talk about, but knowing myself I would not bring up in talking with them. So, hopefully that'll come in handy if I can find a therapist I could share that with. That's a minor positive. You're right on the whole, though, this community is a good way to share and be open about everything, so it would be nice for everyone to just get along and try to be helpful to one another. Agree to disagree if need be, but keep it civil.

We are all here by choice. If someone doesn't want to be triggered by a topic, they don't have to participate in the conversation. When we choose to participate in a designated adult chat thread we should be able to agree to disagree politely in an exchange of ideas keeping in mind the purpose of our contributions to the thread is to give aide and comfort to the person who reached out to the community for help in the first place.

Agreed, when it comes to that forum we should expect uncomfortable topics to come up fairly regularly if people actually start to make use of it. I just don't want anyone to be hurt by things said by me, or said in threads started by me in relation to events in my life.

I would hate to see anyone losing the golden opportunity to unburden themselves in a forum dedicated to mental health issues like this. For some, this is a safe space, an oasis where they can open up anonymously about things they are uncomfortable sharing face to face with family, friends and sometimes even therapists. If they can't share here, then where? Like I said, we're adults here and we participate in these topics by choice.

The rule should be if you disagree with another, show courtesy, don't hijack the thread by making it all about yourself or winning an argument with another poster. Politely agree to disagree. We're all struggling in our own way and life is harder for some than others so a little compassion goes a long way. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

(((HUGS))) to the community.

Agreed with all of this, I want this place to be a great, caring and open community that supports each other. So when I see that things I post cause problems in one way or another, it makes sense to me to stop posting about me. I just don't want my nonsense to hurt anyone or cause pain tangentially. That's the last thing I want, so if I can find a better way of expressing it, a better outlet for it that won't result in that happening, then that seems for the best. I'm not leaving, I'm not stopping supporting others or being involved in the site, I just won't share about me because I don't want to worry about my stupidity hurting people. Until I figure that part out, it's best if I keep me inside of me.

 

[Dave]

Your situation is different living in the USA where just about everyone has a counsellor or therapist and those people are in it for the money (perhaps there are some who genuinely want to help) so come across as people you don't want to trust. Trust is something that is earned, not given freely. I feel your pain and the stress it's causing you. When it comes to someone like your mother it's natural to feel protective and that bond is something that is carried throughout your life from your first breath to your last. I was a full time carer to my own mother for ten years (part time before that) and I understand how frustrating and tiring it can be, but you do it because of 'love' and in today's society love is something of a rare commodity. I believe you are doing the best that you can and definitely need an outlet because bottling things up (as I found to my own displeasure) just adds fuel to the fire.

Finding someone you trust isn't an easy task, finding someone who genuinely cares is even more of a task, but you need to start somewhere. If by opening up you believe it will hurt others means that you are denying yourself the opportunity to find that one special person you can trust. I don't believe that you go out of your way to challenge people and cause friction, I suppose it will depend on their reaction to your initial opening salvo, if that causes them to become hostile then you need to remove yourself from that environment for your own sake, not theirs.

I truly hope you find someone you can trust and who can be empathic rather than reactive. Thoughts are with you.

 

[Mira]

It has been a while since this blog post. How are things going for you? Are you noticing a change?

 

[PGen98]

Things are ok, I'm still keeping a lot to myself out of a desire not to hurt people, but I have one or two people that I can open up to every now and then, and I love those people for putting up with me ( ). Otherwise things are still more or less the same. I'm trying but stuck in neutral, if that makes sense

 

[Mira]

Yes it does make sense. And it is all ok. tiny steps are still steps. And there is never any pressure.